I woke up two hours before I had to leave. Just for the heck of it and, perhaps, to enjoy some quality alone time when most people are asleep and the brain activity level is lower, silence palpable, energy levels higher.. I woke up, did some yoga, put on my M.S. Subhalakshmi cd and lit an udhuvathi for my olfactory and intellectual pleasure. M.S.' voice takes me back to India instantly, where I can relive my childhood days- patterned concrete tiles on the floor, cassette player, Amma in the kitchen, Appa either struggling into some yoga pose or chugging coffee to get ready to leave for work. My parents have such different approaches to life- one always in a hurry to get somewhere, spontaneous and emotional, and the other gliding along to wherever she believes she's supposed to go, deliberative, practical- both are equally effective ways to get to a point, but ultimately, I think, one does have to surrender to circumstances and let events unfold by themselves. Of course, I digress, but digressions are a part of life, adding flavour to routine, surprising us with all kinds of tastes.. Back to the music, however- I remember Patti, wearing sari with white blouse and never believing me when I say she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen and constantly pleading with Applu and I to stop fighting, not trouble Amma..listening to her speak about her experience as a child when the independence struggle was current news, or her fears and anxieties as a young bride of 18, or her love of mathematics and vendakkai kari.. the excited anticipation of Anna and Periamma arriving because it meant quality time with my favourite cousin, no wait, my brother. Quality time= sock fight, burying Anna under pillows, an actual fight after someone annoyed someone, taking sides, lunch, back to playing with G.I. Joe or legos, fights, laughing...
I was oblivious then, of competition, deceit, jealousy and greed. I never felt the need to prove myself to anyone, had faith in everyone and whatever they told me- I never questioned. I was born a wanderer and an admirer of nature. When I listen to such soulful music early in the morning that is where I go back every single time. I grew up, so to speak, and bought right into the confusion that everyone feeds on and unknowingly propagates. I realize now that I was more sure of and comfortable with myself when I was say, 11 years old, than I am at 25. Back then, I never bothered to define myself with words. Not for any other reason than simple unconscious acceptance of my nature, and Nature that surrounded me and of which I was a part.
